Ask What’s Wrong

Recovery does not only mean that you are healing; it also means that your relationships are healing. In early recovery, staying sober is enough. Later, it may help improve relationships to let others explain to you how you can make amends to them. The best way to discover how is to humbly ask what is wrong. If you are fortunate enough to get an honest answer, don’t argue. Another’s feelings of being wronged do not need to make sense. Feelings rarely make sense. Don’t expect to understand or agree with the other person. Don’t try to explain why you felt you were right at the time the other person felt wronged by you. Simply say “thank you for telling me.” Remember the goal is to mend the relationship, (and the first step is to get the other person to express his or her feelings) not to be right or justified. Let’s assume you have a problem with your wife. After she tells you what you have done wrong and you have reinforced her for opening up, tell her that you are going to think carefully about what she said and see what you can do to change that wrong. Since most things that happened in the past cannot be changed, you may have to tell her that you are now going to amend your behavior as best as you can so that it never happens again. You may think that what she perceives as wrong is something you both need a counselor to assist you in resolving. At the very least, you now have something you can deal with because you have enabled the other person to let you know what you need to deal with to change the relationship. Without such knowledge, no progress can be made. Before you ask what’s wrong, you will have to likely overcome fear of the pain of having your feelings hurt. To do this, expect that you will feel some pain when you ask what’s wrong, but also know that asking could be the only way in the long run to regain peace in the relationship. Accept that you have faults and decide that you will not beat yourself up. You’ll find that a reduction of your ego with a commensurate increase in your humility will help you overcome your fear of getting your feelings hurt. Focus more on compassion for the other person than self-consciousness.


To-do:

To renew trust and understanding, sweep your side of the street by making amends without blaming the other person or allowing your own shame to stop your positive change. Get rid of your fear of asking “what’s wrong” by asking your Higher Power to focus on unselfish love rather than self-conscious fear. Before you make amends, ask a trusted advisor about how to proceed. Asking what is wrong is usually a great beginning to making amends and healing relationships.

 

A difference Maker: https://www.amazon.com/One-Minute-Serenity-Revised-Strategies/dp/B0BNVF9Q44