Now im at my rock bottom (Shared by SoberTool User)
This story was shared by a SoberTool User on: May 28, 2016 23:54
Of my own emotions. I hate, hate, hate myself. It's funny, I'm not the kind of person who will use the word hate. It's a very strong word with a lot of meaning in it. But I hate myself. I miss my one year old daughter. Her father won't let me see her. Says I'm a addict. Did forget he was one too? Just because the judge said to him" prison or rehab"and choose rehab. Three months into rehab I tell him I'm pregnant. He finished rehab two weeks before I gave birth. But, I was all alone. My mother is an active user to this day for roughly twenty eight years. I had no support system. When I was pregnant I couldn't stop getting high. This is my only child. But the day I gave birth. I experienced something I never knew could be so freakin amazingly strong and powerful. I gave birth to her, and felt the love of a mother for her child. And I never ever thought about using. Until 19days later. The father hurt me by using my daughter to do it. We weren't a couple and were fine with being friends since our daughter was born. Now he completely changed, keeping her away from me. He did the steps he has a sponsor. He contributes with NA. But why treat me different. Does the fellow ship know about his actions towards me?. No one addict is better then another, if it's 20yrs or 20 days.he was so supportive in the beginning. I don't know why he changed. I let him use my $40,000 truck, with rims and a expensive sound system to take her to doc appt just so he wouldn't have to take the bus. But he still changed. He's gay now and I can't help but to feel he's playing house with his boy toy and my daughter. I have nothing with gays. And if he would let me be a mom now then I would love that someone else loves my daughter. But I reached out to the boyf to ask if we can have a friendship since my daughter lives there. He never replied . I'm not a bad person, I never did prison time. I don't have friends let alone family. I'm not a bully. I just want to be a mom. How does he know that I'm not sober now?. I'm not tho. I'm still a heroin addict.for six years now. It's only because I can't see her , that hurts. That really hurts me. So much that it makes me cry and I run to the dope. I just want to be happy. I just want to be a mom. Just like he's a dad. Why is he denying my right to do those things?. I don't get high around her, when I was around her. Because I only paid attention to her, as it should be. How come he thinks he's better then me? How can he judge me. I wish his sponsor and the fellowship knew he left me in the gutter after saying he was so supportive to me. I don't think they'd be happy. I guess I just needed to vent. I have no one to talk to. I live with my mom, lil sister and loyal pet puppy. Anyone have any ideas for me. That would help.
To-do:
Don't hate yourself. Love yourself. Know that your Higher Power loves you too. This love will cause you to treat yourself right which will cause you to keep staying clean and sober and doing a good recovery program. Every time you say to yourself, "I hate, hate, hate myself" tell yourself, "NO, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE MYSELF, AND GOD LOVES ME TOO!" Try to share this message at an NA or AA meeting. Try a few Alanon meetings too. Alanon will help you deal with your child's father. Each day, start your day by saying, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE MYSELF." Your Higher Power forgives you so you need to forgive yourself too.
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