Really sick and really tired.

It’s been so long since I’ve tried to get clean, a good 4 1/1 years. I used to love the rooms but I’ve always been a chronic relapser. 3 years ago, 3 weeks after I had my youngest, I went on life support at 23 w/ my heart, lungs, liver & kidney failing from a blood infection from IV drug use. I had been using subs IV for a year to help me “stay stable”. I had to have open heart surgery & had the hospital help me detox off of subs. 4 days after, I went home to have the Dr who was supposed to continue pain management tell me if she knew I had a history of addiction, even tho on paper it showed I had “been clean” for a year 1/2, she wouldn’t have taken me. I’ve been off and running since. I kept going septic the first year and was in and out of the hospital to find out I needed a 2nd open heart, bc the valve they replaced was already destroyed. But they won’t do a 2nd surgery unless I get 6months clean, maybe even just 3. But I have crippling PTSD & panic attacks from going septic & everything. Every time I try to detox, even tho I have meds that help, it’s like the withdrawal symptoms give me a huge panic attack feeling like I might be dying, but I am actually dying. If I don’t get it together my heart may be too weak to operate on. I can’t tell if I’m getting close to that point or if my CHF symptoms are so bad bc I don’t take care of myself like I should bc of using. But, today is my 2nd clean. I know I won’t stay clean unless I reach out for help. I live with 2 using addicts. But I don’t drive and my health makes it hard to go out.Plus, I’m just embarrassed by how much CHF has changed how I look, even tho if I get it together I’d start to look normal again. This was too long but I haven’t said these things to anyone that will listen. But the meetings aren’t really in my area, they’re all downtown like 20min away, which is hard bc any recovery I had was never in this area, so I know no one. I don’t know where to find online meetings or how to do them. So if anyone has any suggestions to that or anything else. Thanks

Hey! Congrats for reaching out for advice! I was an IV drug user for 29 years. I’ve been addicted to every kind of drug there is but the last 7 years of my addiction I used meth/heroin and whatever else I could get my hands on. I thought I would die a junkie like all my friends were doing. I’ve OD’d 19 times but for some reason I kept coming back. I now know my purpose in life is to help other addicts like myself. I am now 2 years, 2 months and 13 days clean! If I can do it, I KNOW u can do it too! U can go to “In the rooms.com” and it has some online meetings. You can try googling online NA or AA meetings. This app will help a lot too if u use it consistently and keep reaching out. We r all here to help u and r fighting the disease of addiction with u. Together we can do this! I’m here if u need to talk. Just reply to this post. Keep on keepin on! Much love!

https://aa-intergroup.org/

Copy and paste this link. U can find hundreds of online meetings! Much love!