Im so lost

Guys, Ive managed to stay sober for 10 days, but I relapsed again. I was super anxious to sip a strong moonshine this morning, and I did, now feeling like a clown, maybe I am. Anxiety is really being a mean b... to me now, nor even a valium pill decreases it, feeling like Im into a real and scary nightmare now, a point of no return. Jesus, how I’d love to go back in time and never have tasted alcohol.

White knuckling is painful to say the least ,when we aren't drinking many underlying and crippling problems surface anxiety, depression and irritability ,who wants to feel like that , so we reach for the one thing that is both our best friend and worst enemy.
Surrender to the fact you may be an alcoholic and DO something I emphasise do because if you are an alcoholic there is no thinking your way out of this .
I know of a program that shows precisely how to recover if you are interested.
Whatever path you choose it requires action,pick up the phone and not a drink and get help.

Can't white knuckle sobriety. I need AA, 12 steps, and service to others. been sober for 33 years. Proof is results.

if we could all go back to square one!i deffo know i would not have took my first sip before falling into the devils hole.you can get out of that hole,it will take time and willpower but you can do it!!

I enjoy my shine. I like experimenting with different types of mash. but I have a kid and that stuff is destroying my insides. They call it the silent killer. remember methanol is an anesthetic. You can't feel the damage it's doing until you stop. it also affects your muscles especially your heart. My whiskey is smoother than anything you can get in the store at 100 proof. which makes it even easier to be fooled into thinking it's not destroying my body. You have the choice of continuing to drink the booze and die young, or stop now and dedicate your time and energy trying to get healthy. Exercise is a natural mood booster. go for a long walk or jog, lift, sweat...you will feel so good. I quit for a year in 2020 amd felt great. I tricked myself into thinking I could control it. I'm a couple weeks sober now. I'm starting to feel great and have started a work out schedule.

Thanks for your kind words. I’ll certainly do my best this time, Im very aware about my weakness with this addiction, and obviously I’ll die young if I keep wandering this path

I agree that you can't do this alone. try to get some support! Be strong. x

You had all the time under your belt. I'm so proud of you. You know what that means? It means you can do this!!
Anxiety is a killer. it makes it hard to do anything. Much less recover.
I am only 5 days in, and I am realizing that even though I felt I was slightly outta control, compared to many, I think I'm so fortunate that I don't have the effects to my body and mind that very very heavy drinking brings on.
If you aren't about group settings for addiction, i hope you can find someone to help you deal with your anxiety, as I can't help but think that getting that under control will assist in you staying sober and the rest of your recovery. Check in if you're on the edge of that sip. And for God's sake.. why do you have Moonshine? Chuck it out and live large, my friend. We're all here for you.

I am only 3 days in today. Been binge drinking for almost 30 years. Small periods of sobriety in there but not much. Two rehabs, two divorces later, I have now hit my rock bottom as my amazing 3rd husband has had enough and thew me out. I ruined the holiday week and he's had it. I cannot understand why I can't just quit drinking this poison potion. I hate this so much yet I fail all the time. Say a prayer that I can finally do it this time. I need this man in my life. He is my rock and biggest cheerleader. I feel like such a loser.

I could never solve that riddle either why can't I just stop or moderate and those around me were even more puzzled in my lack of control when it came to drinking .
You are not a loser you may be an alcoholic ,alcoholism needs treatment . AA works for me and many others but you have to want recovery for yourself. Go to a meeting what have you got to lose .

Farlb99... I'm on the other side. I have had my own demons with drinking, but my husband has hit his rock bottom. You need to do it for you. But know that your relationship CAN recover when you do. Stay with it. You can do it. Do it an hour at a time.