Chronic Relapser

I have been struggling with meth and heroin addiction for years and was blessed to be able to do a diversion court program and piss clean for a year and theyll drop all 6 felonies. My fiance who has been through this long battle with me has 4 or 5 open cases and looking at time... like time in the double digits (10+ years).

We were almost clean for a year when we last relapsed and i have been having a hars time committing this time. It seems everytime i start to feel good sober again, i get depressed and figure shits fucked right now eitherway. Im about to lose my program and then i wont be able to see my fiance in prison because ill be a felon.

Im 21 years old and feel as though my life is over even though i know everytime i get sober i enjoy it and always seem to remember it way worse than it was. I dont really know where im going with this.. Just kind of venting since i have no friends when i clean up lol

get to 12 step meetings and introduce yourself. I have made so many REAL friends there.

I go as often as I can, i live way out in the desert where there is one meeting a week otherwise i have to drive 45 miles to a meeting. Im feeling better today I am 3 days clean and starting to feel good sober again!