Accountability

Love that living on borrowed time. Also love so long as I don't drink/drug, everything else is gravy. I do the 11th step prayer every morning. Praying for the knowledge of God's will and the power to carry it out alleviates my natural tendency toward selfishness. Daily prayer and meditation (listening to God which is the name for all of the powers greater than myself which restore me to sanity) saves my life minute by minute. I must remember that the 11th step requires me to not panic and relapse, but to simply reconnect to the powers which restore me to sanity whenever I disconnect by attempting to "run the show." Grateful for you Jibjab and all others who participate in this Forum.

God (collective Higher Powers) has got this! The realization that I can't do this but God can and will (will!!!) is so true. It is truly our thinking and not drinking (a spiritual and physical malady). We got the solution, how fortunate.

Thanks, and we must remember that all this knowledge without actions avail us nothing, that we are not cured, but that our disease is arrested depending upon our implementation of our new found knowledge in this moment. ..the daily reprieve.

Ah yes. What you just stated seems to be a universal truth. I have always thirsted for the spiritual (I believe all addicts have this innate curiousity) But I don't want any more head knowledge! I want to experience God, like the mystics of old, or as Bill W. said, to experience the "language of the heart."
Faith without works is dead. But I can always put myself in anxious mode thinking that "I" am not doing ENOUGH! How do you balance this?

I balance this by staying in the NOW. Keeping my head here, not there...by practicing these principles in all our affairs and carrying the message of recovery to others...which is the essence of the 12th step. Let's be thankful NOW for the spiritual awakening and manifest that gratitude through action!

So hard to do!!! To stay in the NOW is, indeed, how to live but tough. I can only do it by His Presence. That has to be it. I can't do it alone. He is guiding us all so He will be All in All.

Are you doing Step 12? I think that's where we were, correct?

Agree, i like to check messages here every morning, because i made a promise to myself to get better and healthier, and when someone else reads what i wrote, it makes me think that i made the same promise to a group of people, who have same interest for their well-being and made same commitments. I find it to be continuous effort and a hearty dedication, so starting here every morning keeps me going, not alone. Thanks for all the messages you write, they're encouraging :)

Thank you Grateful. Do you want to be accountability partners? I liked your comment on staying sober today is the most important. The rest is gravy. Let me know.

Sure JibJab. Post here every morning. What is your sobriety date?

Thank you Grateful. I haven't had alcohol since 2005 but my sobriety date is July 1. I need to go through the steps again. I need to lose my stinking thinking. I hope my story helps others. I stopped going to meetings and immersed myself in church. It was good for awhile but couldn't sustain me. Addiction is, indeed, cunning and baffling. Please all stay connected to the ones who have been there- there is a bond here that you will find nowhere else.

I know exactly what you mean There is a big difference between being DRY and SOBER. I have been sober for 34 years thanks to AA and this app. Do you have a face to face Sponsor who can go through the steps with you?

I did have a sponsor when sober from 2005-2011. I went through the steps and, unsurprisingly, I got better! Then I started to rationalize. I enjoy my church community but they don't understand like another addict. Throwing myself into church was another addiction (fortunately, my relationship with my HP has only grown stronger). I slowly stopped attending meetings and increased my church attendance (I felt obligated). This led to medication I knew not to be on. Abuse and despair set in. The four horsemen visited again. Employment-wise, I had done what always came easy to me. I built myself up only to sabotage myself and bring it all down.
A long answer to your simple question. I do not have a sponsor. If you are willing(right now my mind is saying "you don't need to do this. The exact reason I need one!)...

I like how you know it's probably best for you to do what your brain tells you you don't need. Let's start Step 1 by discussing powerlessness. Maybe others who read this can contribute too. One type of powerlessness for me occurs when I know I shouldn't drink or drug, or when I drink or drug more than I know I should, but I end up doing so anyway. What does powerless mean to you?

Hello All. I hope you all will join the discussion and contribute your input. I am grateful to you, Grateful. Powerless, to me, is along the same lines. Do things I don't want to do, but I do them anyway. E.g., I have an interview today, and my mind immediately goes to "get a benzo to help you relax." I have a fear of blushing in public. I have always had this fear. To cope, I started to drink in high school. It opened a new world, and I could talk to people without embarrassment. It only compounded my situation, and I have only for a brief time been able to confront this demon in my 53 years. The tendency to slip into self-pity is always present, and I occasionally say, "why me, God?" However, my view of God has changed over the years, and I no longer view Him/Her that way. "Why not me?"
So, I always try to control my life, but without my higher power, it is a futile effort. Here I am struck again by my powerlessness. I have very little control. I am powerless over my desire to control, to make my situation the way I want it, and to be free from thinking I am the center of the world. I am here to help people.
Thank you for reading. Thank you for being here.

the second part of the first step is unmanageability. How do you define unmanageability? The first place I look for a definition of course is in the big book. I interpret unmanageability as an inability to meet goals...that my powerlessness is interfering with my life. unmanageability is caused by my drinking. However, I have learned that I am still an alcoholic even though I am not drinking. therefore my life can still get unmanageable due to behaviors brought about by my alcoholic mind or as is more commonly referred to as my stinking thinking. So, so how do you define unmanageability? what are some examples in your life?

Yes, unmanageability is the inability to meet goals. I have found that responsibility for certain things causes me great angst. E.g., I have always thought I don't provide for my family because a) I have blown many good opportunities and b) I am a low-paid private school teacher. I slip into self-pity and beat myself up for being a loser in the world's eyes. The evidence is contrary but my life is unmanageable, and I succumb to stinking thinking. I fear failure; I fear success. What have I done with my life? You can see self-pity. How do I get out of this? I am powerless, and my life is unmanageable. I am powerless, and my life is unmanageable. I am powerless, and my life is unmanageable.
I am a scared individual and need the power of God now! Thanks for being here, Grateful. Let this post speak as to the definition of un-manageability.

Jibjab, The 4 horsemen are attacking you. Self-measuring, self-pity; self-consciousness, self-comparisons; selfishness is the root of our problem just as the big book says. All of this self centeredness leads to fear only. So, let's move on to step 2: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. For me this Power is multifaceted. It includes a prayer and meditation to a loving source first thing in the morning with short form 3rd, 8th and 11th step prayers. Then comes working with others in recovery. Like the big book says nothing so much insures our sobriety as working with others. They are a power greater than myself which restores me to sanity. Then, balance throughout the day restores me to sanity. Balance means exercising my physical, mental, spiritual and emotional natures. Balance is a Higher Power for me. Making decisions according to the four absolutes and applying the 12 steps to situations are also higher powers which I have come to believe restore me to sanity. Do you need to look at and do the 2nd step differently than you have before as you seek alcohol/drug and emotional sobriety?

This has been helpful for me as well, guys, thank you for sharing openly.

Hello Grateful. You have nailed it on the head- self centeredness is my problem. I know this and I can't get out of my head. Service is the key and I have a tendency to isolate (which is a big no-no). My idea of a HP has morphed over the years in character attributes. I say my HP is God (specifically Jesus the Christ) but it hasn't always been a loving, non-judgmental HP until recently. I view myself as a "sinner in the hands of a loving God." But your question as to whether the need to rethink my HP struck me as offensive at first but thinking more deeply led me to believe maybe it is my concept of HP keeping me in bondage. The thought of someone or something as my HP just doesn't sit. We look at it pragmatically, though- what I have been doing isn't working. That is a big problem of mine. I can espouse all these ideals about God taking care of us, yet do I believe it? When looking at what I write- "I" seems to be present way too much. What is holding me back from believing? Is it selfishness? I just don't know.