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I really screwed up

created by: Shellz 1 year, 3 months ago



I am making so many mistakes. I hide my drinking. But when I've had too much I get angry and combative. The other night I was over my so called secret limit and yelled at my husband. Walked out and sat in the ravine near our home. Came back and left and went to a hotel from which I just came home today. I have a beautiful daughter and a broken husband and I am destroying everything. He told me today that if I do it again, I have to leave. I am a monster. I am so broken. And really sick. I have an amazing job that I love and I was so out of it yesterday as I drank all day until I passed out ...thank God I was able to fix all my mistakes. I am so lonely. I don't tell anyone that I am sick. nobody. I sit in my lies and I cry. my daughter hurts. my husband hurts. I feel so alone. I'm going to my AA meeting on Friday and I think I can ask for a sponser. if I could maybe get to one week I could maybe feel proud of myself. right now I am nobody and all I feel is a very deep shame. I'm so ashamed of myself.


by: Shellz 1 year, 3 months ago
replying to Shellz

Hi Shellz, I had an episode last night too. Your not a monster and beating up on yourself won’t help you get back on track to be the best version of yourself.

I got into a fight with my boyfriend about having another baby. We also want to get married but he wants us to be better financially before adding another child and wedding/marriage. I told him I was taken my iud out next week and he told me I’m trying to make our life hard which upset me. I left the house and our other 2 daughters at home I said I was going to the gym but I really wanted to go to the gas station and buy a bottle to drink… instead I got “hemp cigarettes “ and this morning I feel anxious and have a horrible headache. I will keep working out, eating clean, and avoid alcohol. It is hard.. but you got this and you are not a monster. Your human and we all have pain. Keep your head up and don’t give up on yourself … nobody is perfect but the goal is to become the best version of you.


by: Jaden94 1 year, 3 months ago
replying to Shellz

We are sick not bad people ,shame lives and feeds on secrets.
The brokenness you are feeling can and will be healed if you follow the suggestions of the program of AA.
I felt the same as you for a very long time . I feel if I hadn't got to that point of being broken a God of my own understanding wouldn't of been able to enter my life ,first I had to surrender ,desperation lead me to that.
We are powerless over alcohol and our lives have become unmanageable. If you have been gifted this insight follow it through the remaining 11 steps guided by a sponsor who works the steps themselves.
I can assure the way you feel right now will be pass and in the future will be part of your strength to help others.
Im praying you make it to tge meeting tonight and God puts the right person there to help you 🙏


by: AussieDrunk 1 year, 3 months ago

Welcome to the club Shellz! It is nice to meet you. Really glad you wrote. Early on in my sobriety I had a hard time getting honest about what I really wanted for myself? Did I want a nice life? Did I want love and respect. Was I capable of love and respect? It took me awhile before I was able to accept that everything was alright, when I stayed away from one drink, one day at a time. Yes dear friend get a sponsor and get some AA friends to share with. Stay close to the shelter of the program and one day at time you’ll find a new life of love and freedom.


by: anonymous 1 year, 3 months ago

I did the same Friday night. I don't know why I do this. Everything seemed great, and then I decided to have a few drinks alone at home. Once my girlfriend got home, she could tell, and I was ashamed. This has been ongoing, and I told her I would stop. I got so angry and started damaging my stuff and scarring everyone. We have a little 15 month year old, who I want to be the best father for. But it has gotten to a point where I keep doing this, then run off l, wander the streets, and stay in a hotel. This time, I feel I really screwed up as she doesn't want anything to do with me at the moment as she doesn't trust me anymore. I really want to change and using this as the first step.


by: Gabe4 1 year, 3 months ago

Shellz I applaud that your trying to manage your anxiety through here, that why we have this app right? I understand how you’re feeling, maybe telling your family what’s really going on could generate a natural and loving support system for you. You’re so brave and you’re making such a remarkable effort, AA is probably a great idea. I’m afraid to go myself because I live in the suburbs and it’s quite a small community so I don’t want to run into anybody, and as well it would mean to me that officially I’m accepting this problem that I’ve been avoiding to do because I used to think that I could control it. But yeah, I’m going, I’m telling my therapist about it and I’ll come clean with my husband today.
I’m here to read you anytime you need to talk.
You’re brave, you’re loved and you deserve to be healthy.


by: Sue_Camarena 1 year, 3 months ago