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I Screwed Up

created by: JAL 2 months, 3 weeks ago



Hello Everyone. As the title indicates, I screwed up last night and had some beers (9 light beers) after 144 days of being sober. Not much else to say other than I let myself down... again. I could feel it building over the last few weeks, and I finally gave in yesterday afternoon. The first thing I did this morning was throw away the remaining beers that were left in the fridge.

I plan to get back on my sobriety program and not let this slip define me. With that said, I still feel very disappointed in myself. I let myself down, I let God down. I'm stating to think I will never be completely free from this awful addiction. I know one slip doesn't erase almost 5 months of sobriety progress, but I also know this is a setback.

Has anyone else on here slipped? If so, how did you approach the aftermath of it? I feel like a complete failure at this point. I'm trying not to beat myself up, but I am disgusted with myself right now. I let this awful disease get the better of me again.

JAL


by: JAL 2 months, 3 weeks ago
replying to JAL

Welcome back JAL and thanks for sharing what happened with us. I really like that you are already back here and know that you want to continue your sober journey. We can't change the past. Dwelling on it drags me down even further. I do give myself the chance though to add more support so the same does not happen again. I can't change what happened but I can do my best so it does not happen again. I would love to see you come here and chat with us next time you have something build up. I know when my stress increases some routines start slipping and the demons start knocking and I am still refining the routine. You are back on the horse already. You are making a plan. You are here. Let's do this together!


by: Kermit_ 2 months, 3 weeks ago
replying to Kermit_

Hi Kermit_,

thank you for responding to my post. I'll be honest and say that I thought of drinking again when I woke up this morning, but that voice of reason in my head said "No Way, Not AGAIN". I prevented a relapse by keeping it to a one night slip. To me that's progress. In the past I would have just kept drinking. It's like I have a few layers of protection. Demon alcohol was able to penetrate the outermost layer, but my defenses stopped it before I was completely compromised. If that makes sense. Nevertheless, a slip is still an indicator that I need to put more work into my sobriety.

The scary thing is I knew from the get go last night I would not be able to just have a few. I'm the type that either drinks until I black out or I don't drink at all. All or nothing. I guess my brain tried to convince myself that "only one night" is not that bad, but in reality, deep down, I know that type of thinking and drinking will lead to a full blown relapse. I plan to stay sober today. I also plan to chat on here much more often moving forward.

Have a great weekend and thank you for your support.
JAL


by: JAL 2 months, 3 weeks ago
replying to JAL

Hi JAL,

I'm so happy you are here and telling on yourself. I've been where you are, several times.

I'm also happy to see that you are able to identify that the relapse was building inside of you - but can you also readily identify the triggers, the people, the emotions? That will be a great help. Write them down, no.matter how small. Every slight, every time you cringed, etc... Let us know what you discover about the past several weeks and how you can do things differently in the future.

This is a research opportunity. A discovery mission. With more info comes more ways to plan for the next time.

We love you.

~Nakia 💜


by: Nakia 2 months, 3 weeks ago
replying to Nakia

Hi Nakia,

I'm happy to be here, although, I wish I was here saying "145 days sober", instead of admitting a slip and starting back at day 1. I just need to be truthful at this point. It happened and it made me realize exactly how vulnerable I really am to this horrible disease. Only the Devil would unleash a disease like this on someone. It's a constant struggle of the mind; a war is always waging inside my head. It's awful.

I noticed that the negative thinking and "screw it" attitude was steadily increasing the last few weeks, especially seeing how my damaged shoulder is preventing me from lifting weights. I thought it would ebb like it has before, but this time it was different. It just kept building until I acted on it. I didn't take my sobriety for granted this time like I have done in the past. I could tell that I was experiencing the emotional and mental phases of the relapse/slip, but I was unable to stop it before the physical stage. It got the better of me yesterday, but I'm back on the front lines today armed and ready.

I am going to use your great suggestion to write down the triggers that I was experiencing before the slip/relapse, whatever you want to call it. It's the same thing, and I'm not trying to minimize it because it was "only" one day. One day can turn into years. I can say that the triggers intensified around Thanksgiving. I spent the holiday alone. I have spent the last several years of all holidays alone. It does wear on me.

Anyway, it's also very difficult for me to trust people. If someone does something nice for me, I always reason that they must want something. It's a terrible attitude, a very cynical attitude. One thing I haven't mentioned is my professional job is under scrutiny from the Govt. to remain employed. I reported this drinking problem when I went to rehab back in April. I put so much pressure on myself to remain sober that it was almost too much for me to bear.

I know my life is more important than a job, but with my particular set of engineering skills, I'm pigeon-holed into this line of work, especially at my age. If I can't maintain employment with my current employer, I won't be able to in this industry because of security clearances. You lose it one place you lose it everywhere. It puts a tremendous amount of stress on me. Relapses and the Govt. don't mix.

Sorry for the rant. This is what I have been dealing with. Thank you for responding to my post, as always. I will use your suggestions to further my progress.

Have a great weekend, Nakia.

JAL


by: JAL 2 months, 3 weeks ago
replying to JAL

No need to apologize!

I work for the government too, and updated my background screening about a year ago. I was scared, especially because my gig deals with sensitive financial information and a lot of my worst alcoholism took place after the last check. But I reported everything, let the necessary treatment places know they may be contacted and it worked out. Better to be up front then to be found out - especially since more people are suffering from addictions than we can imagine.

~Nakia 💜


by: Nakia 2 months, 3 weeks ago
replying to Nakia

Thank you again for the reply. I agree with you. I basically told them (security) everything as well. I self-reported the adverse information to the FSO. I'm in the continuous evaluation (CE) program. They basically check your background whenever they feel like it. If things popup they investigate it.

I am due for a 5 year periodic reinvestigation next year, and I'm petrified to be honest. I know they are going to interview me this time because of this. I know bad news does not get better with age. It definitely adds to my levels of stress. Some things are out of our control I guess. It's very hard not knowing one way or the other. I can't look for another job because this is attached to my security file.


by: JAL 2 months, 3 weeks ago

I only have less than a month of sobriety, but I know how demoralizing it is to find out you can't control your drinking. I would say to myself I'll just sit in the patio and have one drink, two at the most and then I'll stop and go to bed. But I didn't and while I was drinking I would say to myself next time, I'll stop at two drinks but then the same thing would happen and it would dawn of the next day. Then one day after being sick again from binge drinking I knew I had no control and could not trust myself anymore and sought help here in AA. This is the longest I've been sober in a while but I still don't trust myself to have one drink and leave it. What helps me is to go to this app and start reading on this forum or the messages and realize I'm not the only one who is disappointed in myself. I think we all are in that same boat. I'm realizing that we only have this day sober what happened can't change and what comes tomorrow isn't here yet so all of us in this boat only have this day sober.


by: anonymous 2 months, 3 weeks ago
replying to anonymous

Hi Anonymous,

Yes, it is very demoralizing to say the least. The bottom line is we are vulnerable each and every day with this horrible disease. It's relentless. It doesn't matter how much sober time you have, this disease will kick your ass if you are not 100% on guard. Even then, It still can.

I tell myself the exact same lies usually, but this time I didn't. I knew I was going to get hammered before I even started drinking yesterday. I even tried to stop myself from driving to the store. I turned around and drove back home. I obviously ended up back at the store. It was a real war inside my head. One I eventually lost.

I agree, we are all in the same boat as far as alcoholism is concerned. It will never get better, only worse. I am focusing on today not yesterday. I agree that's it's one day at a time. Today is the day that matters. You are on the right track with your thinking. I thought I was too. Drinking is a sneaky disease that will wage war in your head no matter how badly you want to quit. That's what happens to me. I'm able to stay away from it for months, but the perfect storm eventually causes a slip/relapse.

Thank you for responding to my post. Stay on the right track. Just remember that we are extremely vulnerable whether we have a month or 20 years sober. This disease doesn't care about our sober time. It's always right there waiting.

JAL


by: JAL 2 months, 3 weeks ago