Nothing is more painful than chronic relapsing. Living on the fence with one leg dangling in the using world and one leg dangling in the recovery world hurts. Going in and out of recovery is conducive to chronic relapsing. It is a lot harder to "get" sober than it is to "stay" sober. Constantly making decisions about whether your recovery program is right for you is confusing, frustrating, and painful. It is far better just to quiet your restless mind and stay in your recovery program.
Don't pick up the first drink or drug no matter how enticing it seems to you right now. You know you will get the same or worse consequences if you pick up the first drug and you know you will eventually have to start recovery over or you will continue to spiral downward. You don't want to go through all that suffering again. Don't judge your recovery program. Ask an expert what is a good program for you and stick with it. Get off that fence! Love you!