Just because you are not drinking does not mean your addiction is not getting worse. If you use 20 years after getting sober, it is the same as if you had been using for those 20 years. This is why relapsers tend to suffer such incredible consequences quickly after they relapse. Even if the consequences of relapse are delayed, it will end up horribly because you will think you didn't have a problem so you will likely try to return to drinking like a "normal" person, and eventually you'll start drinking or using more and more and then you will be out of control and suffer consequences.
Remember that you risk prompt, disastrous consequences if you pick up the first drink or drug after a period of sobriety. Even if the consequences don't come immediately, they will come eventually. Try connecting with someone else and describing why you want to stay clean and sober.