How many times have I tried switching drinks, only drinking when the clock strikes noon, only drinking as much as my wife drinks, only drinking if I had on a certain set of clothes? How many times did any of these strategies help control my drinking? Never of course. I also tried to do it my own way to stop drinking. I joined a health club, increased attendance at Church, took up guitar. None of these strategies worked either. "You can't outsmart a drug" is a variation on the saying, "I've never seen anyone to stupid for sobriety, but I have seen those who are too smart." The key to staying sober is following suggestions, not making them. Don't think you can recreate the wheel by creating your own program of recovery. But to follow suggestions, you must make some hard decisions. You may need to stop seeing your boyfriend who abuses you and has a borderline personality. You may need to quit that job as a bartender. Better to change a pattern of defeat, than risk relapse.
Be humble enough to trust someone else's direction. Don't listen to the committee meetings in your own mind. You need to NOT think for yourself now because your brain has been getting you into trouble. Do what counselors, the Big Book, your Sponsor and 12 step people tell you to do. Good for you for letting go!