If I am toying with the idea of using, I am toying with the idea of trying to control my use, which means that I am already out of control. Social users do not toy with the issue of control. They just stop. If I tell myself that I can control my addiction, I am "self-lying."
Another example of "self-lying" is if I tell myself that if I figure out why I used, I can use safely again. For example, I remember telling myself that if I just had a better TV with a clearer picture, I wouldn't drink excessively. I reasoned that the frustration caused by the TV was making me drink uncontrollably. This is an example of rationalization or a "self-lie." The truth is that any frustration had become a trigger for my drinking. The truth is that my drinking had reached a point where it was such a part of my personality that I had to change my personality to stop drinking. Whether or not I had a better TV made no difference. If I picked up the first drink, the progression could not be controlled. Regardless of whether or not I knew why I drank, I still needed to keep up with my recovery program to keep my alcoholic personality in check.
Am I blaming something or someone for my uncontrollable drug use or "stinking thinking?" I need to keep up with my recovery and change myself today, not other people or things. I need to repeat to myself that thinking that I can control my addiction by myself with will power only is a "self-lie."